Movie Reviews

I saw 300 tonight: I completely loved it. Normally, I would find this kind of thing totally boring, because of these factors: lack of women, lots of fighting scenes that aren’t particularly story-driven, distracted by leather diapers, annoyed by historical inaccuracies, aggravated by political bullshit. But it was a beautiful, beautiful film, surprisingly plot-y, didn’t rely on shock (the restraint surprised me after Sin City, which was an okay movie but weak on everything but prettiness), well-acted, and very linear. Some people said that it didn’t make any sense, but I suspect those people are stupid, because the story was about as simple as they come. I was (for once!) not at all troubled by Leonides relationship with his queen, wasn’t troubled by the portrayal of this strong female character (usually they have something ridiculous that makes the hackles on the back of my neck rise, but this woman made all of her own choices).

I also very much enjoyed that parades of lean, muscular thighs, and the way those beautiful calf-guards elongated the calves. I admit it, I’m an arms-and-thighs girl; the identical six-packs were a bit, like, tacky. Also unusual for someone who sees homo-erotic tension in everything (Essentially, I think that all men want cock; yes, even you, gentle reader), I saw very little in this movie. Which seems kinda silly, given that we’re talking about Spartans for chrissakes and all of the men are parading around half-naked with no women around but we’ll let that one pass.

Politically, I have to say that there are better times than right now to make this particular movie,
and that I don’t personally believe that people of colour are evil, and that I think the Persian Empire was like, totally fucking cool and probably ‘way cooler than the Greeks. I mean,  architecturally alone the Persians whup the Greeks from here ’til Sunday. I’d like to see a really good movie about the rise of the Persian Empire.

But I’m still giving this movie 0 forks. Beautiful.

We watched The Departed this evening. Excellent movie, with some surprisingly good performances from the younger set and some unsurprisingly weak/lamer performances from Nicholson and Baldwin. One could almost like Dicaprio, while one is simultaneously tempted to bury Jack Nicholson in a shallow grave. I’m assured that he acted at some point in his career; is that in living memory, folks, or has he just been constipated for thirty years? Also, for a movie with so many interchangeable younger actors and so much manly-cop-goodfella-motherfucker talk, it sure did cut around quickly. And can anyone explain the deal with the sound editing? Weird. This movie gets 3 forks, and those forks are named Baldwin, Nicholson, and Sound
Editor Guy.

I just watched Babel. Terrible movie. Why would you sit in a village all night rather than drive four hours to get medical attention? I spent a lot of time shouting questions just like that at the television. And in the end, the message seemed to be that people in uniforms are jerks, and, ummm, drug dealers will make out with your best friend. The only good things about were that you get to see Gael Garcia Bernal, and Adrianna Baraza’s performance. 8 forks. We all know that drug dealers will make out with our best friends.
Duh.

Little Miss Sunshine: The Trailer
Let me preface this review by saying that I haven’t ever reviewed a trailer before, but I saw this one again this evening and realized that I had to do it.
You see, when this movie was being hyped as the super-most-awesome-ever-est, I kinda thought to myself that I should see it. I am definitely in the demographic they were targeting – y’know, us hip intellectuals – and it certainly was the type of movie I have been trained to think I ought to see (Hello, Lost in Translation). They spouted glowing reviews that sounded slightly more literate than the usual glowing reviews. They showed us how ‘quirky,’ ‘off-beat,’ and ‘dysfunctional’ this family was. They showed us that it was going to be like, ‘heartwarming.’ And they showed us a little girl emitting an ear-piercing shriek that echoes painfully in my memory even now.

Unlike, I assume, the majority of my fucking demographic, I am completely uninterested in movies that show disfunctional/boring/annoying people in embarassing/boring/annoying situations (I AM LOOKING AT YOU SOPHIA COPPOLA, DON’T EVEN MAKE ME COME OVER THERE). I think ‘quirky’ is shorthand for ‘couldn’t write/act/direct, had to rely on a gimmick to pull through entire movie.’ I hope people who write ‘quirky’ movies all end up in a quirky hell together where they have to listen to the soundtracks of their own movies for all eternity.
Little Miss Sunshine Trailer, you get 9 forks just for the little girl’s shriek; I’m taking pity on you and not bothering to rate the rest of the trailer.

In other news, Pan’s Labyrinth was y’know, good. I don’t think it was the kind of good that will live for eternity and resonate through the decades, but it was a pleasant way to spend a couple of hours. Weeeellll, it might last as a classic, but I wouldn’t count on it. I’d consider it the Spanish equivalent of The Neverending Story. Some very nifty-creepy Medieval-inspired imagery, some cool Spanish rebels stuff, and a very impressive, slightly clockwork scary faun. He was my favourite. I’ll give this sucker 2 forks, only because I’m finding it all kinds of forgettable.

Lastly, how did I totally miss Mike Judge’s Idiocracy? I mean, it stars Luke Wilson, and that alone should have garnered it enough press to reach me. Anyway, it’s a great, intelligent comedy about a future where stupidity rules and “reading is for fags.” Luke Wilson’s character ends up waking up after 500 years in hibernation to a world that waters plants with Gatorade and names it’s children ‘Frito’ and ‘Tylenol.’ It’s narrated throughout by the guy who narrates big action movie trailers, and has this overblown feel to it that is perfect. In my mind, it’s up there with that other underrated social commentary comedy, Head of State.
2 forks because the climax was pretty non-climactic; other than that, it was a very well-crafted comedy, full of the kind of gags that make me laugh helplessly.

Also, I was watching Fashion TV tonight, and I saw the new Marc Jacobs collection. Note to Marc: Darling, ordinary people look like that by accident every day. Also, half of your collection looked like pinned-together beach towels. I don’t care how many people coo over you and your adorableness awkward- ness, but the Mickey Mouse t-shirt you were wearing was godawful and the naked picture of you was dorky. The badness of these two thihngs was only topped by the badness of your collection. 7 forks.

That’s right , Marc. Seven. But those slim dresses with the black-and-white-and-red lines were very nice.
Make some more like that, would you?

I saw Casino Royale tonight; it was exactly as it should have been, except for the part where it turns into a romantic comedy for 15min. Other than that, excellent. Especially that opening parkour bit; holy fuck! I think that’s one of my favourite action scenes ever. I just kept being surprised.

The moral of the story, of course, was that girls who will have sex with you right away die horrible deaths. And girls that put you off and make you wait are your true love. Until they’ve been sleeping with you, and then they die. Sluts! Are you taking notes, ladies? We shouldn’t have sex when we want to.

I’m sorry if that was a spoiler but A) duh, and B) Judeo-Christian guilt about sex and the sin of being a woman totally spoils great movies for me, and it should spoil them for you too. I’m sorry if you boys can’t stand women who like sex! I’m sorry for you, and the whole rest of the human race upon whom you inflict your paranoia, and your guilt, and your overblown sense of your own importance. D’you seriously think that god has time to worry about who we’re having sex with? D’you seriously want to worship a god who is so fucking petty? Lame.

Speaking of sin and sex, rawr, that is the hottest James Bond yet. I especially like him when his face is all cut up. And when he’s naked. That’s a well-built man, good lord. I’m sinning right now!

Other morals to the story include: Dude, your eye is bleeding and Arrgh! Shouldn’t your ballsack have burst already?!
Also, can tuxedos make a comeback? And can I find a man who owns a tailored suit, because oh my-my. And thank god they left out the stupid, plot-slowing gadgets. I mean, they were really getting out of hand – “Sharks with lasersbeams?! Good thing I was handed a shark-lullaby and de-laserbeaming device 1.45 hours ago.”

This movie gets 5 forks for feminism, but then I have to retract 2 for naked Daniel Craig. He-looooooooo nurse! Naked Daniel Craig is also for feminism! 3 forks.
I is what I is.