Advice to Musicians

This is a collection of thoughts on music and promotion, mostly written down over the past three years since I became Artistic Director of the Peterborough Folk Festival.  They only represent my own opinions, not any of the organizations I’m associated with.  I write them as I’m listening; sometimes I get really grouchy.

It’s not definitive, but I do know what I’m talking about.  This is a good companion to the workshop I give on creating promo packages, and will be updated as things occur to me.

If you think you see yourself in some of these notes, it may be because they’re about you, but it’s more likely that it’s because you’re making mistakes a lot of people are making.  It’s not personal.  I know a lot of people put a lot of hard work into their music, and their career; I’m trying to help by giving a little perspective.  I listen to about 1000 new artists every year via festival submissions, and believe me, anything I’m talking about gets done hundreds of times.

Bio

When you’re talking about how great your vocals are, the word you want is ‘timbre,’ not ‘timber’ (unless you’re trying to tell me that your vocals are wooden).

“Unfettered by success,” hunh? That’s… one way to put it, I guess.

“Dylanesque” ?! Is that a joke?!  Anything -esque is bad enough, but Dylanesque is so lame.

And it’s ‘rapport,’ not ‘repore!’

When I hear ‘family act’ what I think is ‘the Aristocrats.’ Y’know?  shudder.

If your music is ‘relentless,’ that’s not a good thing.

When you say ‘Undeniable pop sensibility,’ what do you think you mean? Are there some deniable pop sensibilities? Give me examples.

Tracks/Producing/The Music/Recording:

Dear musicians: Please stop overproducing your albums. How much splash cymbal do you need? How much synth?

Are you a band that mostly writes songs with vocals? Then why is the first track you want me to listen to an instrumental?!

No talky bits and long intros on songs you submit to bookers! I’m not going to spend all day listening to you wank a 40 min intro.

Promoters get free copies of your albums or songs, okay?  If you’ve got an EPK, you put full-length versions of your tracks in it.  If a promoter comes to your show, offer them a copy of your CD.  Always.

This morning has seen a progression of terrible female vocalists; women who might be good if they learn to sing on their voices, instead of off of them, women who don’t realize that an affectation is not a singing style, and that ‘quirky’ lyrics won’t save bad vocals.
People, in short, who think that they’re as good as their momma thinks they are.

If you want to be a professional singer in a professional band, take singing lessons.  I know there are loads of stories about X Famous Musician who did not take singing lessons, but those people are exceptions, not the rule, and you shouldn’t assume that you’re an exception too.  Even a few lessons can set you on the right path, to not just being an okay singer, but a pretty good one.    A little self-examination never hurt anyone.

I’m sorry to “my people,” but most Celtic music sounds exactly the fucking same as most other Celtic music.  Fiddle-dee-dee indeed.  Once you’ve been exposed to the Spleen Bishops (a local Celtic band that released one cassette in the early 90s), most other Celtic music sounds like a pack of dorks.  Is there a law that says every fiddler must play the same three reels?  Jesus Christ.
Even Ashoken Farewell, which is one of my favourite Celtic songs, is pretty much massacred by your average Celtic band.
1.  Much like most ‘World’ music, a drum kit = death.
2.  Accordion + Celtic = East Coast, no matter what.  Corny East Coast.  Or corny French Canadien; take your pick.
3.  One fiddler is really enough.
4.  Y’know, those enthusiastic “Whoop!”s that you put in one song (you probably refer to it as your drinking song) sound super-silly when nothing else on your album even has vocals.
5.  Oh god, kill me.

Songwriting:

Enough with sentimental songs about how children see the world, or how you’re divorced now and you’re kinda lonely but it’s nice.

Yeah, you always write songs about drinking whiskey, but how many of you have actually done it more than a few times? I mean, seriously.  Most of you are drinking like, coolers, or light beer, fer chrissake.  It just doesn’t sound as cool when you write “Pass that Bacardi Cooler around. ” It also doesn’t scan as well.  But if you don’t actually drink whiskey, don’t write so many songs about it.

Should you find yourself writing these lyrics:

“I’m just a…” (alternately, “she’s just a” or “he’s just a”)
“Furious butterfly” (Indeed, anything about butterflies is right out. Ditto for cats)
“Maybe we’ll see…”
Anything about ‘flying’
Gratuitous use of the word ‘ain’t’ when you’re the kind of person who never uses ‘ain’t’ in a regular conversation (it’s obvious that you aren’t, I promise)
“Been thinkin’ ’bout it for a while now…” (especially if that’s how the song starts)
“truly…” (don’t use the word ‘truly’ in a song, ever)

Stop yourself. Stop yourself immediately. Find a lighter, and light it, and hold your writing hand over the flame for 2 minutes.

Are you a clever, clever lad? Keep it to yourself. Funny, clever album/song names usually mark shitty songwriting and an immature artist.

Also, re: songwriting:
Who do you sound like, musically?
Stop it.
Sound like yourself.
If I want Tom Waits (Neil Young, Jewel, etc), I’ll book him.

Graphics/Photos/Cover Art/Logo

So you’re putting together an album cover!  Take note of these actions:

Photos:
Take off the hat.  Especially if it’s a fedora.
Do not get your mom or your boyfriend to take the pictures, unless that person is a pro.
Do not lean against a brick wall. This goes double for brick walls with graffiti. Only hip-hop artists are allowed to appear in photos near to graffiti.
Not even hip-hop artists can pose near a community mural and look cool.
Try not to look like a dick.
Don’t pose melodramatically. This may be an attempt to suck in your gut, but it makes you look like an asshole.
If your house is a average suburban house with those fake pressback chairs that you can buy at like, Leon’s or The Brick, and has in the background all of the detritus and brick-a-brack of your average suburban house, do not take your pictures inside it.  Find a nice neutral, clean background, or one that looks good; city parks or playgrounds are right out.
If your beard is a neck beard or looks like pubic hair, your music better be AMAZING if you want me to book you. Yuck.

Graphic design:
Mistral and Papyrus fonts are unusable.
If any Illustrator effect looks like watercolour and you think that looks really neat, you’re wrong.
Butterflies = crap. ALWAYS. I think you can still get away with horses, birds, bees and dogs on album covers, but that’s it as far as animals/insects are concerned. Birds are on their way out, too, so be careful. Oh, dragonflies are also totally out.  DO NOT EVEN TRY CATS.

Selling Yourself

Are you a band that mostly writes songs with vocals? Then why is the first track you want me to listen to an instrumental?!

If you have a Cndn band with more then four people, I’m not going to your shows anymore, unless you can demonstrate that the whole band rehearses, together.  It seems fair to me, only because I am sick of your 7-14-piece orchestra of suck, and I’m not paying to see that again.  And there seems to be a lot of filler in any really large band, lately.

Ughh, bands with ‘clever’ names. I wish I could just go punch them.

If you get sulky at me (or any promoter), or pushy, or passive-aggressive, or your agent does on your behalf, that’s like an instant ticket to going on my mental blacklist.  Why would I want to deal with anyone who is a jerk before I’ve even booked them?

Sometimes I wish I could call up a musician and say “I want to book you, but you have to promise not to…”
- Wear that shirt.
- Do that lame political/comedic/quirky song on your album that mars an otherwise terrific presentation.
- Do that talky bit in that one song.
- Sing. The music is great. Why do your vocals/lyrics have to suck so hard?
- Do your hair like a suburban soccer mom.
- Dress yourself. Bring a selection of clothing, and I’ll choose what you can wear.
- Talk about your ex-girlfriend in between songs (or in between every song).
- Preach about (Tibet, Free Trade, SUVs, organic foods, hemp, how there are like, totally poor people and we should like, totally do something about it) in that self-righteous way you have.
- Talk about being a mommy (seriously, shut the fuck up).
- Sing the verses of that song. The hook is great, the chorus is rousing, but you need to rethink your verses!
- Bring your bass player. Seriously, that guy’s crap.

Of course, I can’t call someone up and dictate to them how they present themselves, but it kinda kills me to see an artists with a lot of talent turned down because of a couple of stupid things that would be easy to fix.

I wish these people all had one honest friend who knew something about the music business.

NOTE:  While I often sound like I’m saying “Shut up about your politics/social concerns/issues and sing,” what I mean is that most ‘issue’ songs come off preachy and obnoxious, and turn listeners away from an issue, rather than towards it.  Work your songs until they do the job you’re trying to get them to do, and audition them in front of small audiences of honest friends before you whip them in front of an audience of strangers who might not want to get beaten over the head with your preachy politics.
How many times have somebody’s irritating lyrics made me embarrassed to be lefty?

Thoughts on booking:

When it come down to a bunch of great bands that have CD, promo packages, websites, and everything in place as a professional band vs. a bunch of great bands that don’t have those things (especially a CD!), the former are always going to win me over.  Not all promoters are like that, but I feel pretty strongly that the opportunities I’m providing to be seen and heard are worth respect, and also that the people who are good and can best use them should get them.

1. I book bands for the festival for a variety of reasons, because they fill a variety of needs that the festival has (including being family-friendly, hugely talented, interesting, culturally diverse, genre-diverse, etc.). I also book bands whose careers are going to be helped by playing the festival, or who are going to help the festival by playing. It’s complicated, but every band I book has a long chain of reasoning and deliberation behind it.

2. I don’t just book bands that I like. If I did that, it’d be the Peterborough Banjo and Hip-Hop Festival. Or, since I hear that music is Out, it might be the Peterborough Beer and Roti Festival.

3. I don’t just book people that I like, though I tend not to book people who are difficult to work worth or whom I think will make my volunteers’ lives hell, or who will be jerks to me or my volunteers. So if I don’t like you personally, or you are really high-maintenance and jerky, you certainly do have a strike against you.  It’s a social business.

4. Even if I did like you, a reason I wouldn’t book your band might be because it is a vanity/hobby project, and giving you money to play only takes money away from someone who is both serious and good and courageously pursuing music as a career.
Or because I think your music is typical, not special, which it has to be to make the festival special, which it has to be.
Or because I have a better band who I’d rather give that space to.
Or because you play in town a lot.
Or because your music isn’t really very good.

Any number of reasons, really. Most of them aren’t personal.

And then, of course, you have to actually apply for the festival, which most local artists don’t.  And even if you do, you’re up against hundreds of terrific musicians from across Canada.

You can bitch, if you want to, or be offended about how I don’t book you, but you won’t be justified if you don’t apply, you aren’t decent to work with, and your band is only mediocre-to-okay. This is not tiny talent time, and it’s not an open stage with pay. This festival is all grown up, and you need to be a talented professional to get into it.

Most Artistic Directors in Ontario are also musicians. Often they’re working musicians;  generally they’re capable, pro or semi-pro. I am not a musician, but I’m a singer, and I’ve heard a lot of music. When you’re sending a submission to a professional musician, who also listens to music professionally, they’re going to have a really finely tuned ear.  As an artist you should listen to a lot of music in order to try to understand what a good musician does.   I’d suggest listening to a lot of stuff on MySpace, and a lot of stuff on SonicBids, and think about what they’re doing wrong and what they’re doing right.