Movie Reviews

We watched The Departed this evening. Excellent movie, with some surprisingly good performances from the younger set and some unsurprisingly weak/lamer performances from Nicholson and Baldwin. One could almost like Dicaprio, while one is simultaneously tempted to bury Jack Nicholson in a shallow grave. I’m assured that he acted at some point in his career; is that in living memory, folks, or has he just been constipated for thirty years? Also, for a movie with so many interchangeable younger actors and so much manly-cop-goodfella-motherfucker talk, it sure did cut around quickly. And can anyone explain the deal with the sound editing? Weird. This movie gets 3 forks, and those forks are named Baldwin, Nicholson, and Sound
Editor Guy.

I just watched Babel. Terrible movie. Why would you sit in a village all night rather than drive four hours to get medical attention? I spent a lot of time shouting questions just like that at the television. And in the end, the message seemed to be that people in uniforms are jerks, and, ummm, drug dealers will make out with your best friend. The only good things about were that you get to see Gael Garcia Bernal, and Adrianna Baraza’s performance. 8 forks. We all know that drug dealers will make out with our best friends.
Duh.

Little Miss Sunshine: The Trailer
Let me preface this review by saying that I haven’t ever reviewed a trailer before, but I saw this one again this evening and realized that I had to do it.
You see, when this movie was being hyped as the super-most-awesome-ever-est, I kinda thought to myself that I should see it. I am definitely in the demographic they were targeting – y’know, us hip intellectuals – and it certainly was the type of movie I have been trained to think I ought to see (Hello, Lost in Translation). They spouted glowing reviews that sounded slightly more literate than the usual glowing reviews. They showed us how ‘quirky,’ ‘off-beat,’ and ‘dysfunctional’ this family was. They showed us that it was going to be like, ‘heartwarming.’ And they showed us a little girl emitting an ear-piercing shriek that echoes painfully in my memory even now.

Unlike, I assume, the majority of my fucking demographic, I am completely uninterested in movies that show disfunctional/boring/annoying people in embarassing/boring/annoying situations (I AM LOOKING AT YOU SOPHIA COPPOLA, DON’T EVEN MAKE ME COME OVER THERE). I think ‘quirky’ is shorthand for ‘couldn’t write/act/direct, had to rely on a gimmick to pull through entire movie.’ I hope people who write ‘quirky’ movies all end up in a quirky hell together where they have to listen to the soundtracks of their own movies for all eternity.
Little Miss Sunshine Trailer, you get 9 forks just for the little girl’s shriek; I’m taking pity on you and not bothering to rate the rest of the trailer.

In other news, Pan’s Labyrinth was y’know, good. I don’t think it was the kind of good that will live for eternity and resonate through the decades, but it was a pleasant way to spend a couple of hours. Weeeellll, it might last as a classic, but I wouldn’t count on it. I’d consider it the Spanish equivalent of The Neverending Story. Some very nifty-creepy Medieval-inspired imagery, some cool Spanish rebels stuff, and a very impressive, slightly clockwork scary faun. He was my favourite. I’ll give this sucker 2 forks, only because I’m finding it all kinds of forgettable.

Lastly, how did I totally miss Mike Judge’s Idiocracy? I mean, it stars Luke Wilson, and that alone should have garnered it enough press to reach me. Anyway, it’s a great, intelligent comedy about a future where stupidity rules and “reading is for fags.” Luke Wilson’s character ends up waking up after 500 years in hibernation to a world that waters plants with Gatorade and names it’s children ‘Frito’ and ‘Tylenol.’ It’s narrated throughout by the guy who narrates big action movie trailers, and has this overblown feel to it that is perfect. In my mind, it’s up there with that other underrated social commentary comedy, Head of State.
2 forks because the climax was pretty non-climactic; other than that, it was a very well-crafted comedy, full of the kind of gags that make me laugh helplessly.

Also, I was watching Fashion TV tonight, and I saw the new Marc Jacobs collection. Note to Marc: Darling, ordinary people look like that by accident every day. Also, half of your collection looked like pinned-together beach towels. I don’t care how many people coo over you and your adorableness awkward- ness, but the Mickey Mouse t-shirt you were wearing was godawful and the naked picture of you was dorky. The badness of these two thihngs was only topped by the badness of your collection. 7 forks.

That’s right , Marc. Seven. But those slim dresses with the black-and-white-and-red lines were very nice.
Make some more like that, would you?

I saw Casino Royale tonight; it was exactly as it should have been, except for the part where it turns into a romantic comedy for 15min. Other than that, excellent. Especially that opening parkour bit; holy fuck! I think that’s one of my favourite action scenes ever. I just kept being surprised.

The moral of the story, of course, was that girls who will have sex with you right away die horrible deaths. And girls that put you off and make you wait are your true love. Until they’ve been sleeping with you, and then they die. Sluts! Are you taking notes, ladies? We shouldn’t have sex when we want to.

I’m sorry if that was a spoiler but A) duh, and B) Judeo-Christian guilt about sex and the sin of being a woman totally spoils great movies for me, and it should spoil them for you too. I’m sorry if you boys can’t stand women who like sex! I’m sorry for you, and the whole rest of the human race upon whom you inflict your paranoia, and your guilt, and your overblown sense of your own importance. D’you seriously think that god has time to worry about who we’re having sex with? D’you seriously want to worship a god who is so fucking petty? Lame.

Speaking of sin and sex, rawr, that is the hottest James Bond yet. I especially like him when his face is all cut up. And when he’s naked. That’s a well-built man, good lord. I’m sinning right now!

Other morals to the story include: Dude, your eye is bleeding and Arrgh! Shouldn’t your ballsack have burst already?!
Also, can tuxedos make a comeback? And can I find a man who owns a tailored suit, because oh my-my. And thank god they left out the stupid, plot-slowing gadgets. I mean, they were really getting out of hand – “Sharks with lasersbeams?! Good thing I was handed a shark-lullaby and de-laserbeaming device 1.45 hours ago.”

This movie gets 5 forks for feminism, but then I have to retract 2 for naked Daniel Craig. He-looooooooo nurse! Naked Daniel Craig is also for feminism! 3 forks.
I is what I is.

Today, after a trip to the farmer’s market and an afternoon spent quilting (I’m not joking), Cassie and I decided to go see a movie.

I haven’t really been to the movies much this year because they all suck. I can’t even rent new re-leases. The last movie I saw in a theatre was Snakes on a Plane, which was y’know. And I can’t remember what I saw prior.

Let me digress some more: when I was in Winnipeg at this new media conference, all these motherfucking film wanksters were all “I don’t even own a tv,” in these incredibly self-congratulatory way which made me long to smack them. Look buddy, it’s your personal choice what you own or what you do with your time, but you’re not cool because of it. I have as little patience for people who hate low-brow entertainment as I have for people who hate high-brow entertainment. The only difference between Mozart and Springer is a few hundred years;it’s all popular entertainment.

The whole not-owning-a-tv thing may explain why their sense of what’s interesting or what’s new is at least thirty years off; I saw some really dated work getting rave reviews, and some really weak riffs on popular culture coming from people who don’t understand popular culture. Darlings, you’re not avant-garde, you simply avant-garde a clue.

Anyway, back to my evening: We decided to see Marie Antoinette. That particular period in France is not one I’m really interested in (I super-hate Rococo, I’m sorry to all of you Rococo fans), but the clothes were pretty neat and I generally like period pieces as long as the names ‘Merchant’ and ‘Ivory’ are not connected to them. Cassie, also a fan of pretty clothes, agrees with me that this movie is going to suck, but we think the sets and clothes will carry us past the Kirsten Dunst.

Okay, so far we’d made two mistakes: the first, forgetting that this is a Sophia Coppola movie. The second, thinking that there’s anyway Kirsten Dunst can appear onscreen and not ruin your movie-watching experience.

Kirsten Dunst can neither act nor adequately simulate normal human functions. It’s my contention that she’s actually an automaton, put in Hollywood for some mad scientists nefarious purposes. I can only speculate as to what those are.

Sophia Coppola sucks. She sucks, sucks, sucks. She sucked directing The Virgin Suicides, but everyone left feeling like something happened that they just didn’t understand so they said it was good. She sucked directing Lost in Translation, but everyone either fell asleep while watching it or was so charmed by Bill Murray being a pathetic loser that they said it was really good. And she totally sucked directing this movie, too.

Dear Ms. Coppola: ‘Dull’ is not a style, it’s a failing.
MA is only two hours long, but it feels like four. At one point, we get a montage of shoes and
candy that goes on for five minutes. There is no character development. There is a plot, but it struggles under the weight of no dialogue and lots of frouffy dresses and long, slow shots of… stuff. It was quite a bit like watching Paris Hilton’s home movies (you may try to make some clever connections, but believe me, it’s obvious), but without the girl-on-girl action. Look! Here are some nobles eating and giggling. Look! Here are some nobles dancing and giggling. Look! Here are some nobles gossiping, eating, trying on dresses and shoes, and giggling.

There was a lot of giggling.

But the final straw, for me, was watching Kirsten Dunst and her homegirls, plopped down in a field staring dreamily into space as Kirsten read Rousseau aloud. It was like listening to a kindergarten teacher in fancy dress read Rousseau to her students. Pain, pain, pain. After this, I was ready to fire up the torches and sharpen the guillotine myself.

And the, the final outrage: they take you all along the road to the royal family’s retreat from Versailles, and then they leave you there without the payoff of getting to see Kirsten Dunst guillotined!

What do you think I came to see this movie for? To see Kirsten Dunst get guillotined, of
course!

It sure as hell wasn’t for the acting.

10 forks.

I have even less sympathy for the rich than ever, and I didn’t start with much. Fuck you, Sophia, and your poor-little-rich-girl bullshit.