1.  Twilight is a huge cultural phenomenon, and to avoid seeing this movie is to ignore the obsession of an entire generation.  Also, years of jokes and parodies which you won’t get because you skipped it.

2.  These movies are a laugh riot.  I mean, unintentional, but they’re hilarious.  Much more funny than most comedies.

3.  Robert Pattinson is pretty hot.

So New Moon.

I was going to write a review and be hilarious at the expense of this movie, but you’ll probably see it, and the humour implicit in Italian vampires who don’t wear any socks and teenage werewolves who never wear shirts will be clear to you.  Instead I’m going to talk directly to the parents of the teens and pre-teens who are going to see this film.

Firstly, don’t fool yourself: this series is not about abstinence.  It’s about sex.  Lots of it.  In the near future.  The whole series is designed to get the readers wound up, essentially, into a dreamy, inexperienced sexual frenzy.  That’s how they sell merchandise.  It’s not rocket science.

There’s probably no way you can avoid having your kid see any of the movies from this series unless you’re raising a socially maladjusted freak.  By hook or by crook, even if you forbid your kid from seeing this film, they’ll find a way.  When they’re older they will probably also get into your liquor cabinet.  So don’t go through all the drama of making these films or books forbidden fruit; you’ve got bigger fish to fry.  Take them to see it.  It’s really not worth fighting about.

But when the film is done, by god, sit them down and have a conversation.

Tell your smart, strong, responsible daughters that they should never let a boy or a man (or any partner) treat them the way Bella (or any of the women) are treated in this movie.  That when they get a car of their own, they are the ones who drive it unless they are somehow unable to.  Tell them that they get to determine who they’re friends with, and when – or if – they stop associating with those friends.  And that if any one ever hurts them – physically or emotionally – they should leave that person immediately.  That they are the master of their own homes, bodies, and possessions and anyone who reaches past them to answer their phone (or who checks their email, text messages, etc.) is seriously overstepping their rights. That anyone who tries to create rules around their decisions about their bodies and sexuality has no business doing so.  That it is not romantic to be at the mercy of someone controlling, jealous, unpredictable, and irresponsible.  That no love is ever worth giving up sovereignty over yourself.

Tell your smart, strong, responsible sons that they should never – ever – treat a woman (or any partner) like Bella and the other woman in this movie are being treated.  That they should respect the personal space, bodies, and possessions of the people they love.  That they should never try to emotionally or physically hurt the people in their lives.  That breaking into someone’s room while they sleep will land them in jail, as will any of the stalker-type activities that Edward engages in.  That controlling behaviour is unacceptable, and that sexuality is something shared between partners, not the decision of solely one or the other.

Okay, now tell your son or daughter all the advice I gave for the opposite sex, too.

And then, for pete’s sake, tell them that whenever they decide to have sex is up to them (and no one else), and that you know they’ll come to a responsible decision about it, and that you hope it’s with someone who respects them and cares for them.  Tell them that you trust them, and that you hope they’ll use birth control and take steps to prevent STDs.

Please make sure they know where to find condoms, how to get the birth control pill, where to go to get tested for things.  There’s probably a great Women’s or Sexual Health clinic in your neighborhood; make sure they know where it is.

We can’t protect kids by hiding things from them.  But the best defense is a good offense, and your kid is going to be a lot better off armed with the knowledge that what they’re viewing up on that screen, no matter how dreamy Robert Pattinson is, is not an ideal of how relationships work or how people behave.

Hopefully, you’ve got your own arsenal of media that can help you counter-act the effect of New Moon, but if not, I’ve got plenty of suggestions.  Please remember that boys as well as girls benefit from seeing strong female characters.  Generally, I love strong, smart characters regardless of gender, and this list contains lots of both male and female characters who are awesome.

Candace’s List of great movies & television shows to show your teen/pre-teen:

When I was a kid, we watched everything, regardless of movie rating or our age.  I’d consider everything on this list  to be pre-teen appropriate, but you’re the parent; do some parenting, and judge for yourself.

Labyrinth: The protagonist, Sarah, is a bit whiny but in the end rejects the Goblin King’s offer to stay with him and does her own thing.  There are also lots of puppets and song + dance numbers.  Yes, I own the soundtrack.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Ignore the movie.  The first three seasons of this TV show contains loads of brooding hot guys and tough, ass-kicking teenage women.  Aside from staking vampires, most problems are solved via teamwork and intelligence.  The clothing is a bit laughable.  Sex is dealt with in a way that I think most kids would benefit from seeing.

Doctor Who: The newer BBC kids’ TV series, which started a few years ago with Christopher Eccleston and Billie Piper, includes lots and lots of strong, female characters who I find pretty inspiring.  It’s chock-full of goodness, plus the Doctor as played by David Tennant is super-cute and a bit emo, and the protagonists rely on brains over force to solve their problems.

Torchwood: A spin-off from Doctor Who, this series is designed for adult audiences and there’s a bit more violence, sex and swearing, but also plenty of strong characters who focus on intelligence and teamwork, again.  Sex is dealt with in an adult way, so less dreamy sighing and more consequences/etc. One of the few mainstream vehicles that deals with sexual orientation and its malleability.

Pride and Prejudice: The original BBC television mini-series; don’t even speak to me of the horror that is Kiera Knightly as Elizabeth Bennett.  Snappy dialogue, smart strong women, lots of different relationships explored.

Ginger Snaps: A film about girls reaching puberty, and werewolves. As I recall, it’s a bit violent, but what a great film!  Ignore the sequels.

Girl Fight: Michelle Rodriguez is great in this movie!  It deals with the conflicts you run up against as a tough woman, and what compromises you reach and what you don’t compromise on.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: There’s some really nice adult relationships in this movie; Chow Yun Fat and Michelle Yeoh are terrific.  Their characters have all the understated romantic tragedy you could ask for, while also being totally ass-kicking.

Let me start by saying I’m not a purist; I’ve read the book, felt it was very good, know it’s very important. It was not, and will never be, one of my favourites for pounds of reasons, but that’s just personal taste, nothing else.

So I was excited, initially, to see the trailers for this movie. No Ben Affeck in spandex to make up for the lack of household-name super heroes. The visuals looked right; they didn’t look like they were reaching beyond the coolness of the concepts, or going too silly with the Eighties-ness. I held back hope, because I figure lots of cool-looking movies also suck cock. So I went in without any real expectation, and purposely didn’t re-read the book.

I went to see it alone, partially because I’ve been ill and missed the times when friends were going, partially because I wanted to really feel out my own opinion of this one, uncoloured by what my intelligent and critical friends have to say. And I have to say, as someone whose not a particular fan of the book itself and doesn’t remember the plot very faithfully, that I quite liked it. It didn’t blow my mind, or surprise me in any way. It also didn’t greatly disappoint. It walked a fine balance, and in my opinion succeeded in communicating some of the ideas of the book without alienating a non-nerd audience, and that’s some very diffcult ground to tread.

But dude, whomever chose that soundtrack has got to die. It made me want to punch Leonard Cohen. And what was with the Simon and Garfunkel? Jesus Christ! It made no sense, was utterly distracting, and didn’t serve to set the scenes at all. We’re neither close enough to the 80s, nor far enough away, that those songs are going to take most people to that time and place. They were jarring and silly.

The sex scene between Silk Spectre and Nite Owl (yes, II) was uncomfortably lame. You’ve probably all heard my thoughts about sex scenes in movies/books, but I’ll share them again. My ideal sex scene is one where the lovers passionately embrace, and then we cut to the hours later part. Sex scenes never send the plot forward, and watching people have sex isn’t any fun unless it’s porn, in which case, I don’t want to be watching it in a theatre full of strangers unless I’ve gone to that theatre for that particular purpose. 95% of sex scenes are boooooorrrrring. There’s no character development. Two animals writhe around making silly faces for a bit, then the plot gets to start again.

And none of you can tell me that you didn’tfi nd the next scene more sexually arousing and have any hope of sounding rational. Silk Spectre and Nite Owl were a million times more stimulating to watch while kicking prison ass than at any other point in the movie. It was totally backwards. I know that once you get Rorschach on board, sexy time is over, but jeez louise. I pulled out my iPod and checked for a wireless signal during that damned sex scene. Snoresville.

Um, and as much-discussed, Doctor Manhattan’s wang was dangling all over the place. I particularly appreciated the multiple-wang shots as a fine and subtle piece of comedy. And while I’m appreciating those, I’m going to let you in on another secret of filmmaking: full frontal lady? Sex. Full frontal male? Comedy. Mother Nature endowed you gentlemen with a very useful piece of equipment there, but certainly an unlovely one. Censors will pretend that they don’t like showing wang because gasp! Exposed sex-parts! But really, it’s because the people initially drawing up these rules were men who were particularly concerned with propriety, and couldn’t stand the thought of looking ridiculous. And look ridiculous Doc Manhood does.

If he wasn’t already y’know, blue and disassociated from humanity, he might care.

For me, Rorschach stole the show, both with his mask and without, and I thought Ozymandius was particularly well-played. I found the ending depressing and ominous, because that’s the kind of thing I find depressing and ominous. I know it’s not as dark as the book, but I can’t really remember how the book ends. I’m glad they left out the Black Freighter. I wasn’t able to imagine how they’d make it t anyway. I walked home with my mind buzzing and a little excitement in my belly, and that’s all I can ask.

Hmmm, hard to rate this one. I’m-a gonna give it 3 forks. That music sucked, and the cover at the end by My Chemical Romance made want to punch someone again. And that’s worth three forks.

I also watched Changeling. Angelina was decent; I’ve enjoyed her more in other things, for certain. She really looks the part. This movie has an really interesting back story, some really good, strong characters drawn from real life, some seriously good actors, and THE LAMEST MOST SENTIMENTAL DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I GIVE YOU CLINT EASTWOOD. Can anyone give me a reason, beyond that he’s a famous guy, for why Clint Eastwood is allowed to direct movies? All his films plod along, lingering over fallen teddy bears and shit when good artists are labouring away trying to make you feel something for the characters. Eastwood would’ve filmed it all in a dreamy haze if he could’ve. This movie is about the mother of a kid abducted by a seriously twisted serial killer in the 20s; it should have been completely fascinating. Instead it was Snoresville. This is a thriller for your grandma, but it didn’t so much as warm my frikken’ heart. Damn you, Clint. 8 forks. We all know you tried, Angelina.

Okay, when I saw my first trailer for this movie, about a gazillion years ago, I thought “Holy fuck, that looks amazing. I can’t wait!” Cool effects, some nice stylized stuff, looked like overall beautiful production design.

Then, I saw commercials on TV. Suddenly there’s a fat kid and a monkey. Suddenly it looks like an unbearably stupid kids movie. Screw you, Matrix guys, I think. I’m not seeing that crap.

And that’s pretty much my last thought about it until Sam reminded me of it a few days ago.

And holy! Freakin’ ! Dang!

Because (leaving out the fat kid and the monkey) this is a freakin’ terriffc movie.  It’s too bad the ad campaign killed it dead, because this would have been just glorious to see in a theatre. The visual effects, the lighting, the stylization, and the goddamned movement of the cars were all so beautiful I can’t believe I didn’t get to see it huge. I think I would’ve cried. The light trails in the ice caves! The hand-to-hand combat in the snow! The sand billowing behind the cars! The lighting in the ninja fight! The beautiful bit in the last race where the background billows like exhaust clouds, oh my god, and the part right at the end where Speed pulls in to the red checkered finish! It was like the absolute best of animated shows and comic books crossed with the most beautiful live action production; it was so fucking appropriate and sensitively handled. It blew my mind. If any movie was going to change filmmaking, this one is ‘way more worthy than The Matrix.

Yeah, yeah, you can yell at me about that assertion in the comments.

Oh fuck, the editing was sooooo good. The argument between Trixie and Speed while they’re racing the Casa Christo is so beautifully edited; you’re never out of the action, and still the argument is perfectly paced, and it heightens the tension by giving you a break from the main business. It’s so note-perfect.

Issues: They threw my feminist critic brain a bone and had a few chicks racing cars and being something other than a helpless dishrag, but it barely passes muster – whatever the original story was like, you can’t really get away without a protagonist chick in a movie like this anymore (see the new Bond films).

Christina Ricci (who should still maybe eat a sandwich) is great, but I could’ve used more from her. When she finally grows a pair about halfway through the movie, I had started really rolling my eyes about the lack of women.

Similarly, the Asian characters are duplicitous (okay, not Horuko, but I really liked Taejo and wanted him to be a good guy), which felt jerky, the evil guy is German (which seemed silly – Germans?! Not threatening. Nice Commodore 64 reference, though), and there are others that are less important to the plot. It’s honestly ‘way too bigoted for a film released in 2008. For me, anyway. The stereotypes aren’t amusing, add nothing to the plot, and are essentially meaningless except for being mean-spirited and for me, the only place the production design/script feels lazy and phoned-in.

And I can’t, though I wish I could, purge from my memory the lame lameness of that stupid kid and the stupid monkey. I know that they were trying to make a family movie (kiss of goddamn death, blech), but it didn’t work, and if you edit out all those scenes you have a fucking amazing movie. If, like me, you can even ignore Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai, you may be able to work around the stupidity, but if not, it might seriously impair your enjoyment.

But try – try to ignore that crap, and watch those unbelievable race scenes, and if you’re anything like me you’ll have that familiar sense of wonder that you had the first time you watched the Light Cycle sequences in Tron. Yessir; you can yell at me about that in the comments too. I don’t care. Tears welled up in my eyes at one point. Over an effect. It was awesome.

Um, plot? Yeah, there is one, and it’s serviceable. Y’know. There’s villains and love and piranhas, and it does the trick. Since the trick is to deliver awesome and mind-blowingly beautiful visuals and effects.

So, in answer to the oft-asked question “Does Candace like anything?” the answer is “Yes. I like Speed Racer.”
And also Tron.
And anyone who doesn’t is a total neener-head.

It’s a hard one to rate; I give the kid with the monkey 10 forks, and the rest of the movie 2 forks (those forks are for relying on outmoded stereotypes for weak sight gags that add nothing to an otherwise gorgeous movie).

Rent it and watch it on the biggest screen you can find.

But this one is touchingly romantic (yes it is!), pretty realistic (once you accept the premise), and funny enough to have made me laugh many times. Also, enough dick jokes to make your boyfriend want to watch it with you despite the romance. And the guy who plays Zack is cute enough that I could imagine myself wanting to date him (unlike, let’s say, Drew Carey), while not being so cute that you couldn’t imagine him being real (like Pierce Brosnin). 1 fork. Which is like, -300 forks for a RomCom, but my system doesn’t work that way.

If, like me, you’re a total lighting junkie, huge swathes of the movie are like porn.

If, like me, you have a connoisseurs appreciation of shirtless Hugh Jackman, this movie is not like porn (only shirtless once, though he is shirtless + wet, which kinda counts as 1 and a half).

So you can see how I might be conflicted.

The story is an unlikely one, where, in 1939 a blonde British aristocrat is somehow able to set aside her class-consciousness and her racism in like, twenty minutes and then becomes some kind of race and class heroine. In the process, we learn valuable lessons, like that anyone who isn’t white is magic, everyone in Australia has really white teeth, and that Hugh Jackman only uses moisturizer when he’s in Darwin.

The sets, – hoo golly – lighting, shots and visual effects are mostly created to simulate a really beautiful old film style, though occasionally some of it drops off, which seems a little visually disjointed. The costumes are terriffc. The villains are a sweater-vest wearin’ gang of do-no-goods, the leader of whom is kinda hot in a surly, mustachioed way.

Corniness seeps in through Miss Kidman’s performance, and the constantly-repeated motif of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ and The Wizard of Oz – but I’ll tell ya now that the corniness gets compounded the earlier you key in that Oz is what they call Australia these days. Baz, you’re hurting me. Sometimes Hugh pulls a Wolverine pose that cracks me up, and some of the lines ought to have been strangled at birth. The kid narrator shut up about 5 minutes after he ought to have, and that could’ve been a total disaster for the film if they hadn’t reined it in.

I called pretty much every good-guy death, which was telegraphed for miles, and in fact there’s very little about this movie that isn’t completely predictable.

But, as you can probably tell, I enjoyed the fuck out of it, probably because it combines the best of two worlds: a movie with lots of bad stuff to mock, and with lots of good stuff to get excited about.

Like I say, the lighting was (mostly) like porn to me.

I’m going to give it 2 forks, which is pretty good for me. I’m totally finished seeing how a brave, independently-minded white person like, is the great fucking white hope and has absolutely no regrettable opinions. But, overlooking that bit (the soft-focus-history bit), and the cheesy bits, it’s a very entertaining movie that didn’t feel like it was a hundred hours long, despite its length. It’s not Baz Luhrman’s best film – weirdly, I think he’s been getting worse, though Baz Luhrman at his worst is still a hell of a lot better than you or I on a good day. It’s more focused than Moulin Rouge (which was a bit of a mess, though a pretty one), more polished than Strictly Ballroom, and I’m totally not going to compare it to R+J because the writer gave him an edge (and Claire Danes took that edge away, via criminal lameness).

Am I going to say it? Yes, yes I am: It’s no Iron Man.

Ouch, Baz!

Quantum of Solace is still a stupid name; I get it, but it’s stupid, and they should’ve picked something else. I like how the Bond series is getting less ‘women-are-liberated-and-we-can’t-fucking-deal-with-it-so-we-go-over -the-top-in-objectifying-them.’ I’ve seen a bunch of the Bond movies; I don’t get the attraction to Sean Connery, and the old fight scenes are sloppy and diluted, and the plots are convoluted and ridiculous.

The beautiful fight scene in QS in Italy at the beginning of the movie is all grappling and uncoordinated movement, but whomever choreographed it is a genius, because they found the beauty in that movement and it didn’t feel completely unrealistic. However, jumping onto moving buses/trains/etc. is a total pet peeve of mine; I just can’t suspend my disbelief, no matter how enjoyable it is.

I give Quantum of Solace 3 forks, one for a stupid name and two for not-enough shirtless Daniel Craig.

The Bond movies have always pretty much sucked; now they’re driving for a baseline ‘decent’ and coming off pretty well, I think.

As always, Jordon Mack did a terrific job of the sound, and a nice intimate audience listened with rapt attention.  I think each of these artists has a terrific future ahead of them!

Somehow, despite the interminable chase and fight scenes that do nothing to advance what little plot there is, I enjoy the movies enough to watch them. This is probably the first time I’ve found Matt Damon even remotely likable, and there’s nothing really redeeming about any of the other characters, and so I can’t tell you what it is that makes it possible for me to sit through these things.

By any objective measure, they collectively eat a dick. So why have I seen two of them several times?

I honestly can’t tell you.

Why did they feel that the character or story was compelling enough to make two (ridiculously titled) sequels?

I also can’t tell you.

Or, maybe I could tell you, but then we’d have to go through twenty minutes of choreographed hair-pulling and I’d have to blow something up with a toaster.

I mean, there wasn’t even anything sexy about these movies.

No forks rating for this one; I honestly just don’t know.

I also really like that the Coen Bros. seem to have a really strong sense of music; unlike Tarantino, they can also integrate plot, good acting, good writing and humour into their movies
(Sorry Quentin, it has to be said that you are a great creator of mixed tapes and witty lines but a terrible filmmaker. If it wasn’t for editing and soundtrack, all you’d have would be a lot of snoozefests).

Anyway, this is the kind of movie or play I would really like to be in. One where you commit to acting unnaturally. Commedia Dell’arte, french farce, melodrama – that’s what I’d like to do. Something emotionally light and intellectually/physically challenging. I’ve done enough dark and disturbing theatre. It’s just brutal to do, and not in the end very rewarding, because you’re always defending it and usually the only people who say they like it are assholes who are trying to prove how edgy they are. I’m not saying I’d never do ‘gritty’ theatre again, just that I neither think it proves you’re a great actor, nor is it worth it if you don’t really enjoy it.

In a land of total overactors (acting in Peterborough = shouting with facial contortions), I’d like to up the ante; I’d like to overact on purpose, which is much more difficult than just standing there overacting because you don’t know any better and the director is too busy fellating themselves to notice.